A story that never happened

By Connor Dahlin 

“It was crazy! The Stoutonia crew just ran wild across campus,” said a casual bystander and UW–Stout freshman, Nahso Lucky. “I wouldn’t have known it was them if they hadn’t pelted me in the head with the last issue”

In a recent dry-spell of substantial stories, Stoutonia editors started to become irritated as the upcoming issue drew closer to deadline. The week dragged on and the editors slowly became overwhelmed.

Just before the last Stoutonia meeting, Entertainment Editor, Matt Gundrum was the first to lose it. “Entertainment is not entertaining! We need to create stories!” he bellowed out to his subordinate writers.

News Editor, Maria Grzywa was the next to go. “News isn’t newsworthy! We need something new!” Maria loudly proclaimed.

Sports Editor, Stephen Eibes, surprisingly kept his head. He was later quoted saying, “Sports sucks. We never have any good news anyway”.

It was Marketing Director, Derek Woellner who lit the spark that started the wildfire. “Let’s go out and make a story worth reading!”

Stoutonia writers and section editors unanimously shouted, “Yeah!” With this, they ran out into the quiet late-night streets screaming with rebellious rage. They started kicking trashcans, punching mailboxes and throwing issues of the last Stoutonia at unsuspecting pedestrians.

 

Throwing rolled up issues at the innocent came from the bright mind of Derek Woellner, who had been waiting for this occasion for a long time. He had always been a fan of guerilla marketing.

Shortly after the tirade began, Editor-In-Chief, Barb Young felt a disturbance and hastily traveled to the scene. It didn’t take her long to talk down the disgruntled Stoutonia posse.

“That’s classic Barb,” commented Eibes. “Always pooping on the party”

The reason the Stoutonia became mad was because it self-actualized. The Editor’s briefly realized that you could create stories to report and interview your accomplices for quotes. This convoluted logic in conjunction with over-caffeinated study sessions, sleep deprivation and the pressing deadlines temporarily broke the general Stoutonia psyche.

Due to this, the following issue of the Stoutonia was never printed and a story was never written as to why.

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