By Gus Wolter, Squirrel Correspondent —
Dear Chancellor Meyer,
I hope this correspondence finds you in good health, although regrettably I am writing you concerning a topic of somber importance. I’d like to preface this letter with the admission that I think University of Wisconsin–Stout is a fine institution of higher learning and I have enjoyed my academic and ‘extracurricular’ activities greatly. However, for all its merits, there is a black mark on its record. An ugly hidden scandal that serves only to besmirch this university’s good name.
You see, I represent a small but vocal group of students looking out for the interests of a marginalized, dare I say exploited, demographic on campus. The demographic to which I refer, of course, is the Stout squirrels. These delightful creatures have been a fundamental institution at Stout since the university opened its doors in 1891. Yet they rise early every morning, conduct their squirrelly business from dusk to dawn, and receive little to no compensation for their efforts. The best they can hope for is a discarded Poptart corner (widely agreed to be the worst part of the Poptart) or a hotdog stub (widely agreed to be the worst tubed meat). That’s right TIPS! These are squirrels with families to support and we have been treating them essentially as servants! These creatures are more than just furry little jesters chittering, wrestling around, and leaping out of trashcans at freshmen for our amusement. They are proud, graceful animals who deserve our respect as well as pay and benefits.
We at the Stout Treeborne Rodent Rights Group demand the squirrels be put on university payroll as full time employees, with a living wage of no less than two tablespoons of peanut butter an hour for their toils. Plus full health and dental benefits in addition to access to the gym facilities in the Johnson Fieldhouse.
Truly this injustice has gone on long enough, but it’s not too late to correct the egregious wrongdoing. We must take steps, however small, to begin dismantling the systematic institutionalized discrimination that is all too common on campuses nationwide. I implore you chancellor: don’t be on the wrong side of history.
Cordially yours,
Gustav Wolter