By Eric Koeppel —
Yet another University of Wisconsin–Stout student has suffered a near-fatal mental breakdown while trying to decide which pizza place to go to for lunch. Sophomore Brett Bergman just got home from Ultimate Frisbee practice on Saturday Sept. 13, when the hunger kicked in.
“My tummy was rumbling so loud,” said Bergman, who is currently being held at an undisclosed psychiatric hospital in Minneapolis. “It was the kind of rumbling that only a bunch of hearty slices of ‘za could satisfy.”
The symptoms of what specialists are now calling “pizza panic” started when Bergman asked his roommate Jeffrey Gerbert if he wanted to “go halfsies” on a pizza.
“We originally settled on Domino’s,” said Gerbert, “but on the walk there we were lured into Toppers by a sign boasting two for one mediums. That’s when our friend Kelly came into the picture.”
“I just got off work at Toppers when the boys stopped in,” said freshman Kelly McDonald. “Brett looked more than just a little bit hungry. He kept scratching his arms and grinding his teeth as he looked at the menu. Eventually I told them that Jeff’s Pizza Shop was offering better deals.”
However, the trio’s journey to Jeff’s was stopped short with the delightful aroma of a fresh baked Ted’s Pizza Palace taco pizza.
“We thought about just going into Ted’s for a brief moment,” Bergman reminisced. “But I was just getting these bad vibes, like real bad vibes. Plus, no college student can afford to drop that much dough on ‘za.”
Bergman’s behavior became even more unorthodox when the group finally arrived at Jeff’s.
“It just didn’t feel right. I mean, no offense to Jeff, but it seemed like the universe was telling us to get pizza somewhere else,” said Bergman. “Things get a little fuzzy after this point, but I do remember Kelly bringing up the idea of just going to the Memorial Student Center for a few slices. That really cracked Jeff and I up.”
“I seriously couldn’t tell if Kelly was joking or not,” Gerbert chuckled. “I mean, she had to have been joshing us with such a ridiculous proposition, right?”
“I wasn’t joshing them at all; I was genuinely concerned for Brett’s well-being. He seemed super hungry,” McDonald explained, “but at that point they insisted on just going back home and ordering from Pizza Hut, so that’s what we did.”
“From what I’ve heard, things started getting real ugly when the Pizza Hut delivery guy showed up at Brett’s house,” said Dr. John Wallis, the pizza-trauma specialist assigned to Bergman. “When he first came into my care all he could do was rock back and forth while muttering ‘I told them I wanted stuffed crust’ over and over. It’s one of the worst cases of pizza panic I have ever seen.”
McDonald and Gerbert told Bergman that they could still call Little Ceasars or even drive out to Papa Murphy’s, but at that point he was far from sane.
“I knew he had finally snapped when he insisted we just head to Lammers and go in on a DiGiorno,” Gerbert said as he shook his head. “At one point he even said it tasted like delivery. What kind of a maniac would actually mistake DiGiorno for delivery? Man, it was really bad.”
“It’s a sad story, it really is,” said Dr. Wallis, “but the truth is that in a town with such an unnecessary number of pizza joints, this is just going to keep happening.”
Bergman is set to be released at the beginning of October on the grounds that he eats no more than one Bagel Bite a day for six months.