Ryan Cook- Report: 60 to 70 percent of the people you went to high school with probably rich by now Based on the results from a new study released earlier this week, approximately 60 to 70 percent of people you attended high school with are most likely extremely wealthy by now. Researchers made…
Ryan Cook- In what is being hailed as a significant loss of a piece of Menomonie history, the United States government recently announced its acquisition of Stephen’s old apartment for use in a new pipeline that would transport crude oil from northern Canada down to refineries in Texas. Steven and his roommates, collectively known…
Ryan Cook Following a daring heist of the University of Wisconsin–Stout Financial Aid Office, university police have issued a statement saying that all of the Burger King coupons have indeed been stolen. Rumors had been circulating around campus for days following initial reports of a break-in, and it seems as though our worst fears have…
Ryan Cook- University Wi-Fi temporarily down after Chancellor Bob accidentally spills milkshake on router After several complaints from staff and students alike, the university administration has finally given a formal response to the Wi-Fi being down or unreliable for the past several months. As it turns out, none other than Chancellor Bob Meyer is responsible….
Ryan Cook- Due to what is now being classified as a Stage IV emergency, officials are warning those who plan to visit any of the several bars in downtown Menomonie to stay at home for the remainder of Kevin’s 21st birthday. The earliest reports of the event were from near the Stout Alehouse, as…
Ryan Cook- With the annual spring vacation now over, it is clear to everyone who remained around town that the Menomonie residents seem to enjoy this time of year more than University of Wisconsin–Stout students ever have. “You’d think that with summer vacation giving us three months away from college students, spring break would…
Ryan Cook- “First off I’d just like to thank Mrs. Reiner for inviting me to come speak with you all today. It’s not every day I get to dress up all fancy like this and stand behind a podium. Speaking of, this is one nice piece of wood you got here. Is this mahogany? [Knocks…
Ryan Cook- As a celebration of the large heap of slightly melted snow’s long tenure on the University of Wisconsin–Stout campus, officials have gathered together to officially award it an honorary diploma. Many students, as well as staff and faculty, have grown quite fond of the snow pile ever since it began growing back in…
Ryan Cook- Despite last semester’s classes all being over for quite some time, University of Wisconsin–Stout professor Dr. John Klungo has sent over three emails to students from his fall classes asking about their missing assignments. The University of Wisconsin–Stout campus is holding its collective breath to see if the students respond or not. Will…
Ryan Cook- Following multiple trips to and from South Hall’s laundry room, several residents witnessed an entire basket of laundry remain unstolen for several hours while being left unattended. Witnesses claim that the monetary value of said clothing was never brought into question, as nearly everything was out of style or just plain ugly. …
Ryan Cook- Despite having numerous friends and extracurricular activities, peers and classmates of junior Daniel Richards say that they know little to nothing about his hobbies due to a startling lack of stickers on his laptop. Aside from acquaintances and strangers, even longtime friends say that Richards’ interests are still unknown to them after knowing…
Ryan Cook- “I did this for the sake of the company, and for the thousands of people we let down.” Those were the final words spoken by Stoutonia CEO Clint Gundrum before he formally resigned from his position. Gundrum’s son Matthew, who remains employed as the Editor-in-Chief, has yet to make a formal comment on…
Katie Schulzetenberg- Every day, rain, sleet or shine, head cross country and track and field coach Matt Schauf goes for nice run. He has been running at least two miles every day for the past 16 years, regardless of the circumstances. On Sunday, January 22, he encountered a little roadblock in his daily routine. He…
Logan Myhre- It is a well-known fact around the UW–Stout Campus, and the rest of the state, that Stout’s sports are hardly the pride and joy of the campus community. Anything involving a ball, racket, puck, club or coordination is sure to throw the university for a loop. So in an effort to finally be…
Evan Thue- It’s a talent many of us have, but none have really mastered. No, it’s not break dancing, this is the sport of collegiate shoe-tying. In an interview with the senior Business major and inventor of the sport, Bill Loney (Fr, Portland, Ore) described how he came up with the idea: “I was tying…
DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Hannah Lundquist Menomonie is no stranger to student housing on and off campus. Last year, right in the heart of downtown, the 503 Broadway apartment complex was built. The building is brand new, and the main level has room for shops. Since it was built,…
