The Scopes

Aries – Look towards the future, Aries, some planets are doing some aligning or whatever and something’s going to happen to you! Taurus – This is the FBI, Taurus. We know you have the nuclear codes, and we know exactly where you’re hiding out. Gemini – Your money problems are going to disappear, Gemini! You’re…

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Facebook Voted Better Alternative to High School Reunion

Cam Parucci- A recent survey conducted around the University of Wisconsin–Stout campus has shown that students campus-wide often opt to ignore High School Reunions in favor of checking their Facebook feed.    Gone are the days of having attend a reunion to know what people are up to. One UW–Stout junior, Abby Turner, said, “Facebook…

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UW–Stout Officially Labeled a Tide Pod Free Campus

Cam Parucci- After weeks of heated debate between SSA, staff and board members, Chancellor Bob Meyer has declared University of Wisconsin–Stout a Tide Pod-free campus. In a statement made during a press conference, Meyer said this: “It is after heated debate between multiple parties here at UW–Stout that I am proud to announce this change….

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The Scopes

Aries – Much like with Kendrick Lamar at the Grammys this year, you will be betrayed by Bruno Mars in the near future. Taurus – A trip to the bars isn’t complete without a good, long cry, right? Right? Gemini – Your future holds many things, Gemini, most of which involve monster trucks, Dan Akroyd…

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Professor Fired After Cancelling Final Exam

Cam Parrucci- The “self proclaimed coolest professor on campus,” Dr. Awesome, has been fired. Throughout a seriously grueling semester of Art History 101, students were forced to memorize dozens of art pieces by name, period and artist, as per the course requirements. However, as he is known to do, Dr. Awesome cut a deal with…

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The Scopes

Cam “Tunechi” Parrucci-   Aries – Real G’s move in silence like lasagna. Taurus – Okay, you’re a goon, but what’s a goon to a goblin? Gemini – “The Birdman my daddy, we fly south.” Cancer – Diamond face, diamond brace, more colors than the game Simon Says Leo – Safe sex is great sex,…

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The Scopes

Cam Parucci-   Aries – Skate or die, Aries. You either skate, or you die. Taurus – Newsflash, Taurus, you don’t need to be a skater to wear a Thrasher shirt.  Don’t be such a tool. Gemini – Everything is coming together, Gemini! You’re going to get a copy of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4…

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The Scopes

Cam Parrucci-   Aries – Halloween may be over, but there’s still leftover Halloween candy out there somewhere! Get your costume on, and get ready to do some breaking and entering. Taurus – Treat yourself and rent “The Emoji Movie” from your local video rental store this weekend. Gemini – It’s up to you to…

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The Horrorscopes

Cam Parrucci- Libra – Look it! Look it! It’s frickin’ bats! I love Halloween. Scorpio – I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but there’s a skeleton inside of you right now. Sagittarius – Your cousin Paul called, he wants to know if you wanted to go pumpkin-smashing tonight with him and his…

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The ‘Scopes

Cam Parrucci- Libra: Next time, think before you share an Onion article on Facebook, your grandma still might not get the point of satirical articles. Scorpio: Be wary of the people you surround yourself with, one of them plays as Waluigi in Mario Kart. Sagittarius:  Your cousin Paul called. He wanted to know if you…

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The ‘Scopes

Cameron Parrucci   Libra: Always remember, boneless doesn’t necessarily mean less meat. Scorpio: Try a new sauce next time you get wings, you Caribbean Jerk, you. Sagittarius: The stars are in your favor, Sagittarius! Stay tuned for your cousin Paul to invite you to get wings. Aquarius: We went out to get wings, and you…

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