100% of UW-Stout just wants to go back to bed

Cam Parrucci– After what has been a no-doubt difficult spring semester for the UW-Stout student body, a recent study was conducted on campus with shockingly conclusive results: all 100% of the UW-Stout campus population of students, staff, and professors just want to go back to bed. Junior and graphic design major Tim Nelson told Stoutonia,…

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The Scopes

Cam Parrucci– Aries – Unfortunately, the stars have determined what your last words will be. A heroic and brave: “Where’s my hug?” Taurus – Remember, the customer is always right! Except in your case, the McRib still is not back, no matter how many times you keep asking. Gemini – You’re looking for love in…

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The Scopes

Cam Parrucci- Aries – If the last month of class is starting to get to you, maybe consider starting to review fast food on YouTube. It can be quite a lucrative business! Taurus – Sure, you can tape over the webcam on your laptop, but you can’t cover up the FBI van parked outside your…

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The Scopes

Cam Parrucci-   Aquarius – Do you actually think pineapple belongs on pizza? Like actually? Huh, okay. Pisces – Whether it’s frozen or delivered, baked or grilled, pizza is still pizza. Think about that, it’s a rule to live by. Aries – Many people have already met their future partner in life without realizing it….

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Introducing StoutCoin: UW–Stout’s Very Own Cryptocurrency

Cam Parrucci- Stoutonia is happy and thankful to be the first to announce University of Wisconsin–Stout’s own cryptocurrency, StoutCoin.  After weeks and months of development, Stout staffers have finally made the step into a new kind of money, and a new, innovative way for available investors and students to pay for things around campus and…

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The Scopes

Cam Parrucci- Goober (March 20 – April 20) – Are you sure you can’t find the mustard? Check under your seat right now.   Spaghetti (April 20 – May 21) – The stars have spoken, and you’re doomed to spend the rest of your life rewatching “Friends” until the apocalypse.   Bob from Stranger Things…

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Local Squirrel Recruited for UW–Stout Basketball Team

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Evan Thue- The crowd was roaring louder as it ever has been during the third quarter of the University of Wisconsin–Stout’s game against  University of Wisconsin–River Falls. Typically, the men’s basketball team at UW–River Falls would have held Stout to a much closer game, but…

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2022 Olympics to be Competed in the Nude

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Elizabeth Vierkant- For the 2022 Winter games, the Olympics teams have decided to return to their roots and compete in the nude. The Olympics haven’t competed in the nude since 393 AD. Originally, when Olympics were held in Ancient Greece, all athletes competed without clothing….

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Despite his Satanic Appearance, Blaze the Blue Devil is a nice guy

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Logan Myhre- Instead of a Student-Athlete Spotlight, this week Stoutonia is spotlighting the University of Wisconsin–Stout’s mascot, Blaze the Blue Devil. Despite his satanic origins and appearance, many would consider Blaze an angel. Many know Blaze from his appearances at Stout sporting events, where he…

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‘That guy’ at the gym injured despite ‘absolutely perfect form’

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Logan Myhre- Every gym has at least one. A person who completely ignores gym etiquette while simultaneously endangering themselves and everyone around them, also commonly referred to as “that guy” or “that girl.” Buck McMacho, aka University of Wisconsin–Stout’s local “that guy,” herniated a disk…

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Business student takes advantage of MSC flood

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Audrey Tchaa-   On Jan. 2 there was a flooding in the Memorial Student Center (MSC). Affected areas included the Stoutonia office, Stoutfitters, other Involvement Center offices and, most significantly, the MSC Terrace (where the Fireside Cafe is). Haitch Tue Oh, a business student at…

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Professor Spotlight Professor Plum

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Olivia Viktora-   The criminal justice and rehabilitation program at the University of Wisconsin-Stout has an array of professors who provide a mysterious learning experience for their students. When students were asked to nominate a professor for this one-of-a-kind spotlight, they suspiciously nominated one of…

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The Untold Story of Jimmy Neutron

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Michael Hilliger-   Though most of us recall Jimmy Neutron as the goofy, cartoon kid from the Nickelodeon series, the true story behind his origin is replete with scandal, drama and blasphemy. On Dec. 15, 2001, an unidentified aircraft (UFO) was spotted flying over a…

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