The Scopes!

Cam “I Demand Attention” Parrucci – Aquarius: You will be haunted by the ghosts of all of the socks you’ve lost doing laundry over the years. You’ll never get a good night’s sleep again! Pisces: It may be the middle of winter in Wisconsin, but bees will begin showing up in your room for the…

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I Don’t Even Know Anymore

Cam “Roller Coaster Tycoon 2” Parrucci – At this point, what even is there to say? The world is on fire! Have you watched the news lately? Or rather, with our reader base of college students, have you checked Twitter lately? All the time there is stuff going on, political debates, weird memes, the world…

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Menomonie High School Students Attend First Hour Classes Without Hangovers After Rehab Reopens Dry

Bryce Parr – Teachers in the Menomonie Area School District report that students are agitated and excitable during morning classes after the closure of Rehab. “Classes used to be quiet and manageable. Students kept to themselves and didn’t cause any trouble. Now everyone is hootin’ and hollerin’ at each other like a bunch of wetland…

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Scientists Report a Spike in the Menomonie Hipster Population After the Opening of Two Craft Breweries

Bryce Parr – A new generation of beanie-clad beer-drinkers have migrated to some of the areas surrounding the Red Cedar River. “They appear to be heavily concentrated around Zymurgy Brewing Company. and Brewery Nonic, and Lucette Brewing Company. We have been studying this herd since they arrived,” said population scientist Flatter Thurr. Scientists report that…

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The Truth: Chocolate Milk

Audrey Tchaa – Milk. There are different types of milk. Dairy, almond, soy, cashew, strawberry, and everyone’s favorite: chocolate. Chuck Kowlick, a food science professor at University of Wisconsin-Stout recently discovered chocolate milk does, in fact, come from brown spotted cows. Kowlick goes into depth of how he made this discovery during his 15-year research…

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Campus Construction Predicted to Never Ever End

Katie Schulzetenberg – As many are aware of, a couple of the buildings here on campus have been under extensive construction for a while now. North Hall is being completely reconstructed and as a result, students have been moved to Tainter Hall which had to be updated before they moved in. The Commons is being…

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The College Student’s After Holiday Shopping Guide

Josh Nehs – Welcome back to the University of Wisconsin-Stout, students! After a holiday season full of overbearing family, estranged friends from high school and working full-time, we here at the Stoutonia are sure you are looking to blow off a little steam. After working over break and receiving money for the holidays, your next…

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Like Father, Like Squirrel

Evan (Money Man) Thue – Excitement around campus has been undeniable because of a rumor that has been flying around. It is speculated that Nutty the Squirrel, famous NBA Hall of Fame basketball player, nut enthusiast, and University of Wisconsin-Stout alumnus will be returning to campus to coach the University of Wisconsin-Stout men’s basketball team….

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Student Athlete Spotlight: Blaze (Bobby) Blue Devil

Evan (Taco Stand) Thue – This issue’s mascot spotlight is Blaze (Bobby) Blue Devil, a captain on the University of Wisconsin-Stout water aerobics team. Blaze is an early childhood education major and is from the land down under, not Australia though. Why did you choose to be a mascot at Stout? Same reasons as most…

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The Scopes!

Cam “Dirt is High in Fiber!” Parrucci Aries – The stars are at their wit’s end here, if you want to wear that awful pink fur coat, go for it, I guess. Taurus – Making that awful trade in Monopoly that cost you the game last night is only the first of many terrible trade…

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