The Scopes!

Cam “My Jokes Are a Cry for Help” Parrucci – Aries – “An apple a day keeps the doctor away!” does not actually involve catapults and your doctor’s home address, no matter how hard you want it to be the case. Taurus – There’s probably some sort of underlying message between you’re 300 songs long…

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The Scopes!

Cam “Playlist Junkie” Parrucci Aries – The snow still stuck behind the tires of your car since the first snow is really telling of your inability to let go of things. Get over things! Get rid of it! Taurus – As a history buff, the origins of things have always interested you. Too bad your…

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The Scopes!

Cam “I’m the Kind of Tired Sleep Won’t Fix” Parrucci Aries: You will never find true happiness. What are you going to do? Cry about it? Taurus: Despite others saying that your recent gluten-free stunt is annoying, the stars think it’s great you’ve managed to base your personality entirely on being gluten-free. Gemini: You often…

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The Scopes!

Cam “I Demand Attention” Parrucci – Aquarius: You will be haunted by the ghosts of all of the socks you’ve lost doing laundry over the years. You’ll never get a good night’s sleep again! Pisces: It may be the middle of winter in Wisconsin, but bees will begin showing up in your room for the…

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I Don’t Even Know Anymore

Cam “Roller Coaster Tycoon 2” Parrucci – At this point, what even is there to say? The world is on fire! Have you watched the news lately? Or rather, with our reader base of college students, have you checked Twitter lately? All the time there is stuff going on, political debates, weird memes, the world…

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Menomonie High School Students Attend First Hour Classes Without Hangovers After Rehab Reopens Dry

Bryce Parr – Teachers in the Menomonie Area School District report that students are agitated and excitable during morning classes after the closure of Rehab. “Classes used to be quiet and manageable. Students kept to themselves and didn’t cause any trouble. Now everyone is hootin’ and hollerin’ at each other like a bunch of wetland…

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Scientists Report a Spike in the Menomonie Hipster Population After the Opening of Two Craft Breweries

Bryce Parr – A new generation of beanie-clad beer-drinkers have migrated to some of the areas surrounding the Red Cedar River. “They appear to be heavily concentrated around Zymurgy Brewing Company. and Brewery Nonic, and Lucette Brewing Company. We have been studying this herd since they arrived,” said population scientist Flatter Thurr. Scientists report that…

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The Truth: Chocolate Milk

Audrey Tchaa – Milk. There are different types of milk. Dairy, almond, soy, cashew, strawberry, and everyone’s favorite: chocolate. Chuck Kowlick, a food science professor at University of Wisconsin-Stout recently discovered chocolate milk does, in fact, come from brown spotted cows. Kowlick goes into depth of how he made this discovery during his 15-year research…

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Campus Construction Predicted to Never Ever End

Katie Schulzetenberg – As many are aware of, a couple of the buildings here on campus have been under extensive construction for a while now. North Hall is being completely reconstructed and as a result, students have been moved to Tainter Hall which had to be updated before they moved in. The Commons is being…

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