UW-Stout bought by Totino’s for $2.5 Million

Following what has been heralded as the beginning of a new age for higher education, the University of Wisconsin-Stout has announced that it will be formally exiting the UW-System next year after being acquired by pizza giant Totino’s. Staff and faculty are being shuffled around or let go, and first among them is the current…

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The ‘Scopes

Libra You’ll never succeed in life if you continuously click “still watching” on Netflix. Throw your computer out the window and start over.   Pisces This week, you’ll discover an avocado allergy. Don’t fret though, now you can start saving for your first home.   Gemini Be careful of your choice of coffee drinks this…

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Burger King coupons stolen from Financial Aid Office

Ryan Cook Following a daring heist of the University of Wisconsin–Stout Financial Aid Office, university police have issued a statement saying that all of the Burger King coupons have indeed been stolen. Rumors had been circulating around campus for days following initial reports of a break-in, and it seems as though our worst fears have…

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University Wi-Fi temporarily down after Chancellor Bob accidentally spills milkshake on router

Ryan Cook- University Wi-Fi temporarily down after Chancellor Bob accidentally spills milkshake on router After several complaints from staff and students alike, the university administration has finally given a formal response to the Wi-Fi being down or unreliable for the past several months. As it turns out, none other than Chancellor Bob Meyer is responsible….

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Clingy Ex-Professor Still Sending Missing Assignments Emails

Ryan Cook- Despite last semester’s classes all being over for quite some time, University of Wisconsin–Stout professor Dr. John Klungo has sent over three emails to students from his fall classes asking about their missing assignments. The University of Wisconsin–Stout campus is holding its collective breath to see if the students respond or not. Will…

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Unattended basket of laundry not fashionable enough to steal

Ryan Cook- Following multiple trips to and from South Hall’s laundry room, several residents witnessed an entire basket of laundry remain unstolen for several hours while being left unattended. Witnesses claim that the monetary value of said clothing was never brought into question, as nearly everything was out of style or just plain ugly.  …

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Hobbies of student with stickerless laptop complete mystery

Ryan Cook- Despite having numerous friends and extracurricular activities, peers and classmates of junior Daniel Richards say that they know little to nothing about his hobbies due to a startling lack of stickers on his laptop. Aside from acquaintances and strangers, even longtime friends say that Richards’ interests are still unknown to them after knowing…

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Stoutonia CEO Resigns Following Chipotle Scandal

Ryan Cook- “I did this for the sake of the company, and for the thousands of people we let down.” Those were the final words spoken by Stoutonia CEO Clint Gundrum before he formally resigned from his position. Gundrum’s son Matthew, who remains employed as the Editor-in-Chief, has yet to make a formal comment on…

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Stout Creates New Sport, Gets Beat by Whitewater

Logan Myhre- It is a well-known fact around the UW–Stout Campus, and the rest of the state, that Stout’s sports are hardly the pride and joy of the campus community. Anything involving a ball, racket, puck, club or coordination is sure to throw the university for a loop. So in an effort to finally be…

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