Thrash Drummer attempts solo career

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Johnny Thunder- Local thrash metal drummer Andy Rash took the stage at an Acoustic Café  open mic last saturday, starting his new career on a sour note. Rash recently departed from his band, Death in Sleep, over winterm and is now chasing his new passion…

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Local Musician Holds Students Hostage

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Bryce Parr- A local musician is raising an uproar after his colleagues were unable to follow his lecture on music theory. According to students, the man caused a disturbance to schedules after he allegedly held students hostage in a Harvey Hall study room. “11/8 is…

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What’s NOT Happening in Menomonie

DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical) Monday, March 19 Meet and Greet with the Godfather @ Waterfront Bar and Grill            1:14 a.m. Roller skating with Jeff Goldblum @ Dunn County Ice Arena            4:26 – 6:09 p.m.   Tuesday, March 20 Debating…

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The Scopes

Cam Parucci- Aries – Don’t sweat the little things, like the seven spiders you swallow on average in a year. They’re little, so it doesn’t matter, right? Taurus – I think it’s time you stop hiding your true self, embrace your inner Juggalo! Gemini – Remember Gemini, these horoscopes are nothing but pure, unadulterated truth….

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UW–Stout to Offer Fortnite-Themed Class Next Semester

Cam Parucci- As Fortnite becomes the biggest gaming craze since Just Dance, Wii Sports and Pokémon, the game design program has voted on ensuring the gaming masses here at UW–Stout have a full understanding of the battle-royale game mode as the craze continues. The course in question, titled: Fortnite and the Victory Royale, will cover…

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The Scopes

Aries – Look towards the future, Aries, some planets are doing some aligning or whatever and something’s going to happen to you! Taurus – This is the FBI, Taurus. We know you have the nuclear codes, and we know exactly where you’re hiding out. Gemini – Your money problems are going to disappear, Gemini! You’re…

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Facebook Voted Better Alternative to High School Reunion

Cam Parucci- A recent survey conducted around the University of Wisconsin–Stout campus has shown that students campus-wide often opt to ignore High School Reunions in favor of checking their Facebook feed.    Gone are the days of having attend a reunion to know what people are up to. One UW–Stout junior, Abby Turner, said, “Facebook…

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UW–Stout Officially Labeled a Tide Pod Free Campus

Cam Parucci- After weeks of heated debate between SSA, staff and board members, Chancellor Bob Meyer has declared University of Wisconsin–Stout a Tide Pod-free campus. In a statement made during a press conference, Meyer said this: “It is after heated debate between multiple parties here at UW–Stout that I am proud to announce this change….

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The Scopes

Aries – Much like with Kendrick Lamar at the Grammys this year, you will be betrayed by Bruno Mars in the near future. Taurus – A trip to the bars isn’t complete without a good, long cry, right? Right? Gemini – Your future holds many things, Gemini, most of which involve monster trucks, Dan Akroyd…

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Professor Fired After Cancelling Final Exam

Cam Parrucci- The “self proclaimed coolest professor on campus,” Dr. Awesome, has been fired. Throughout a seriously grueling semester of Art History 101, students were forced to memorize dozens of art pieces by name, period and artist, as per the course requirements. However, as he is known to do, Dr. Awesome cut a deal with…

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The Scopes

Cam “Tunechi” Parrucci-   Aries – Real G’s move in silence like lasagna. Taurus – Okay, you’re a goon, but what’s a goon to a goblin? Gemini – “The Birdman my daddy, we fly south.” Cancer – Diamond face, diamond brace, more colors than the game Simon Says Leo – Safe sex is great sex,…

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The Scopes

Cam Parucci-   Aries – Skate or die, Aries. You either skate, or you die. Taurus – Newsflash, Taurus, you don’t need to be a skater to wear a Thrasher shirt.  Don’t be such a tool. Gemini – Everything is coming together, Gemini! You’re going to get a copy of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4…

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The Scopes

Cam Parrucci-   Aries – Halloween may be over, but there’s still leftover Halloween candy out there somewhere! Get your costume on, and get ready to do some breaking and entering. Taurus – Treat yourself and rent “The Emoji Movie” from your local video rental store this weekend. Gemini – It’s up to you to…

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