Contributed by Ryan Cook —
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re going to meet the love of your life this week, after all these years of waiting. That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it? Now give us the money and it’ll come true.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The stars are all in agreement: You’ve been acting very different recently and to be quite honest it’s tearing this group apart. Maybe this week you can figure out what’s going on.
Gemini (May 20 – June 20)
Your landlord will offer you a discount on your rent, but only if you attend their nephew’s third grade talent show. It is at this point that you realize your life is basically a sitcom.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
An offer will appear that will be impossible to refuse. Call now to get five three-topping pizzas for half the price of competitors! Offer ends in 15 minutes, so order now!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The small cavity underneath some of your organs has always been prime real estate for drug traffickers, but this week you’ll transport some much less glamorous illegal cat food.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
History will always repeat itself, as will your CD. It just has a scratch on it, but come on, you should’ve just downloaded all the songs by this point anyway.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libra will be offline this week due to regular scheduled maintenance. The stars apologize for any inconvenience.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Everyone can see right through you and all of your schemes. So, congratulations on the successful breakthrough with your invisibility potion!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Nine out of ten doctors will recommend treatment, but of course that one single idiot wants to be a contrarian and will convince you not to vaccinate your kids.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
An attractive stranger will appear to be looking in your direction this week, though only because of the large swarm of bees that will be quickly approaching you from behind.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
It might be cold, but that won’t stop you from warming people’s hearts. Several individuals will be hospitalized following sudden heart abnormalities, thanks to you.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
World War III is in the far-off future, or was; thanks to the butterfly effect, that pencil you borrowed but forgot to return will make it happen much, much sooner.