Contributed by Ryan Cook —
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You have always enjoyed eating snacks after class, but not after reading. Studies show it is the leading cause of death in your demographic.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Cartoons will become even more relatable for you this week after you fall down several flights of stairs and then have a grand piano dropped on your head from above.
Gemini (May 20 – June 20)
There won’t be any snow this week, causing an uproar among students desperate for something new to complain about.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Even though you think you’re done with it and there’s nothing that will make you go back, we both know that deep down you’re still not completely over reality TV.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
That strange thought that you had last week about your old math teacher was completely natural, though their strange thought about you wasn’t.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Later this week you will finally show them what you’ve really got. Unfortunately, all that you’ve got is an extensive criminal record in the state of Michigan.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While it seemed like a good idea at the time, spending all your tuition money for next semester on several dogs will eventually come back to bite you in the rear. Literally.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Shh, keep your voice down. They can hear you and everything that you’ve been saying about them, and they are coming for you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Be sure to pay attention to the stars this week, as they will align and all the practice that they’ve put into that synchronized routine should be appreciated.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your family will no longer ask you when you’re going to start dating someone. Instead they’ll ask you a series of riddles, each more confusing than the last.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
Despite all your best efforts, your friends and family will all abandon you. It turns out that no one wants to stay with someone who has refused to shower for over four months.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
They will confess their love to you tomorrow, and you will finally feel good about life right up to the point when you come out of your coma.