“CAUTION” and “DANGER” are some of the various signs being posted along the roads leading up to UW–Stout, as the campus has been hit by an extremely infectious, extremely contagious disease. Medical students from around the tri-state area have been asked to attempt to uncover anything that could help ease the symptoms of this horrifying illness. So far nothing has been found, and experts have classified it simply as “Adulting.”
Those suffering from Adulting are experiencing the stress of having to remember to pay bills that include, but are not limited to: rent, electricity, water, heat, phone, car insurance and more. These have a consistent deadline of when they need to be paid and have serious repercussions if payments aren’t made. Other symptoms of Adulting include the sudden need to shop for groceries, waking up on time, cooking and maintaining a proper diet, scheduling necessary appointments and maintaining living spaces and vehicles. These people are now on their own, and so far it has been a complete catastrophe.
Aside from affecting their general lives and mentality, Adulting has intense effects on the body. Those infected have experienced greatly lowered metabolisms, which leads to an increase in weight gain. Despite eating the same types of food as they have previously, and in some cases even better, they continue to fatten up. These people are experiencing more and more health problems as well, including an increase in headaches, migraines, stomach-aches and overall body pains. Jack Wareson, a sophomore in the Apparel Design & Development program, has been nearly hospitalized multiple times due to intense fatigue and sluggishness. “Drinking coffee doesn’t even do anything. It’s like, a pure and constant exhaustion,” said Wareson.
Even though the number of students being hospitalized is rising each day, some patterns have been identified. Twice a year, a large group of students will typically experience symptoms of Adulting all at once, usually at the ending of each semester. Many students succumb to the disease at this stage, but those that survive eventually find a career. This begins a dive into mortgages and credit, purchasing a home and many other significant events. It seems as though this is simply the progression of this terrifying disease; as there is no cure, the infected are forced to learn to cope with the symptoms of Adulting.
To all the students of UW–Stout, stay safe and stay indoors while doing what you can to avoid this terrifying disease. With it being so contagious, you are extremely likely to contract it through contact with other infected individuals. Until a cure is found, the best advice we can give is to shut yourself off from the outside world and watch hours upon hours of children’s cartoons.