Scientists Report a Spike in the Menomonie Hipster Population After the Opening of Two Craft Breweries

Bryce Parr –

A new generation of beanie-clad beer-drinkers have migrated to some of the areas surrounding the Red Cedar River. “They appear to be heavily concentrated around Zymurgy Brewing Company. and Brewery Nonic, and Lucette Brewing Company. We have been studying this herd since they arrived,” said population scientist Flatter Thurr.

Scientists report that the herd is well acclimated to living in the area. Natural beanie-and-scarf insulation allows them to withstand colder climates. They also camouflage themselves against the University of Wisconsin-Stout student population.

“This species is not unlike what we’ve seen before, but we would like to capture and tag as many as we can identify for further studies. It’s very strange for members of this genus to move any direction other than west,” said Thurr. The species can often be heard discussing the subtleties in microbrew flavors with other members of the species.

“These visitors are harmless, but many students may see them regularly attending English and philosophy classes. It’s important to keep from startling them and observe from a respectful distance,” Chancellor Bob said in his blog.

Some members of the community believe the hipsters pose a threat to the community and are calling on the Department of Natural Resources to help manage the population. “They only smoke pipe tobacco. I won’t be selling as many cigarettes,” Kwik Trip manager Victor “Boss” Tweed said.  

The DNR was not available for comment.