Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Maybe stop trying to convince your professor to bump your “F” up to an “A” when you haven’t been to class since Sept. 9. Sometimes you just need to give up, and this is one of those cases.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Changing your major every semester isn’t going to do anything except keep you out of the real world for a few more—… You know what? Keep changing your major. You’re smarter than us all.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool boyfriend, Spike, from Florida that I introduced you to last week wants to know why you keep crying every time he attempts to share his tragic backstory.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Just because you saw a YouTuber ride their bike into Lake Menomin doesn’t mean that you should do it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Falling behind on your homework? Maybe taking a four hour nap every day after class could have something to do with that.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Please stop telling everyone that the ambulance came to the dorms last week because I accidentally pepper sprayed your roommate. It was you. Everyone knows that it was you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Just because your friends didn’t have time to hang out with you on Thursday afternoon doesn’t mean that they hate you. Go take a nap.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Bored? Throw out your roommate’s girlfriend’s things. Pop some popcorn. Sit on the couch. Wait for her to come over… It’s a free show!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Nobody wants to look at your stamp collection. Please put it away.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): It’s Libra season! Celebrate by… Who are we kidding? You’ll never be able to decide how you want to celebrate.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Shut up.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Tired of being called the mean sign? Maybe just, like… stop. You know what I’m talking about.