Scopes!

Cam “See Ya Never, Nerds!” Parrucci

Capricorn: Summer is right around the corner, hopefully that tattoo of every member of KISS you got on your leg won’t get too much attention during shorts season.

Aquarius: Don’t let yourself get too down about finding a job, you were never going to pass the mandatory drug test anyway.

Pisces: Thankfully, bees die after they sting you. Unfortunate for you, however, is that won’t stop you from being stung by 47 different bees in quick succession.

Aries: It truly is darkest before dawn, so keep that in mind when you’re trapped in a snowstorm in Alaska during one of those month-long nights they have up there.

Taurus: You’re always known for being the “mom” of your friend group, we advise finding friends that are not your own children.

Gemini: Finding the best in things was always one of your strong suits, hopefully you’ll keep that mindset when you’re sued for $100 million in damages after a wild bachelor party.

Cancer: You always knew you were a great dealmaker, but even you will be shocked when you decide to purchase the Louisiana territory back from the U.S., and you succeed.

Virgo: Your unrivaled knowledge of shoelace aglets will be a great asset to you when they become the new form of currency following government collapse.

Libra: You thought wearing a nametag would help people recall your name more easily, but now you’re just known as nametag guy.

Scorpio: It’s not necessarily a good thing to tell everyone you know that you managed to live off of nothing but strawberries for a few months, but it pretty cool.

Sagittarius: You always wanted to try going for some sort of power move in the office, but wearing leather chaps was not that.