Smooth Criminals Oct. 4-18

A student was cited for urinating next to Bowman Hall. In addition to the ticket, he also lost the bet with his friends that his stream could reach the top of the clock tower.

Police are investigating a theft of cash from the coffee cart at the library. The suspect is said to be unarmed but extremely caffeinated.

An officer was walking through Oetting Hall when he observed a subject pointing a blow gun down the hall. The device was found to be loaded with a metal dart. He was cited for possession of a dangerous weapon and attempting to reenact a classic scene from “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.”

Nine were cited for underage consumption of alcohol in a residence hall room in Chinnock Hall. In another case, at the same exact time, seven were cited in Oetting Hall. Plot twist: both parties were busted by the same officer simultaneously.

Officers responded to a report of an intoxicated female in a Curran Hall restroom. She was found locked in a stall, cleaning up after vomiting. She eventually came out and was checked by emergency medical service, cited for underage and sent to her room for the night where she was ordered to recite the “beer before liquor” rule twenty times.

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