Stoutonia CEO Resigns Following Chipotle Scandal

Ryan Cook-

“I did this for the sake of the company, and for the thousands of people we let down.” Those were the final words spoken by Stoutonia CEO Clint Gundrum before he formally resigned from his position. Gundrum’s son Matthew, who remains employed as the Editor-in-Chief, has yet to make a formal comment on his father’s decision to leave the company behind.

 

What began as an elaborate tax evasion scheme soon spiraled out of control as Clint Gundrum funneled more and more of his family’s fortune into a fake company called ‘Chipotle.’ The business claimed to be a place where one could feasibly purchase burritos and other Mexican cuisine. Actually making and selling real food was a last minute idea in an attempt to create a more realistic front for the scheme. Despite his unusual efforts, Gundrum was audited in the first few weeks of the new year, and his scandalous venture became public.

 

Needless to say, people were outraged to hear of the fact that Chipotle was completely fake and nothing more than an avenue for tax evasion. “I seriously can’t believe it. I’m more outraged at this than at any other major event that has taken place on this campus in the past several months,” said one particularly exasperated University of WisconsinStout student. “Name one thing that’s worse than this. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Nothing.”

 

Chipotle, which has seen a massive rise in popularity over the last several years, is expected to completely shut down all locations following the revelation that they are not actually a real business. Stoutonia remains functional, but is under a high amount of scrutiny from the UWStout campus and the IRS.
Especially-outraged students gathered to protest Stoutonia in front of the now-closed Chipotle restaurant in the 503 Broadway Apartments building. Despite the weather and increasingly low temperatures, hundreds have joined together to express their feelings about the recent scandal. “The Stoutonia hasn’t been doing so well, so they’re trying to commit tax fraud to get people interested in reading it,” said a student who preferred to remain anonymous. “All this scandal did was get people to believe Chipotle was real.” Protests have continued throughout the week and are expected to continue until people realize it was all just a joke.