The Scopes

Ryan Cook —   Aries (March 21 – April 19) –     Send all your your extra phones to the Menomonie Electronics Zone! For a limited time only, any cellular device can be exchanged for it’s full price in store credit! Offer expires on April 1st. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) –     This Sunday night in…

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The Scopes

Ryan Cook —   Aries (March 21 – April 19) –          Now is the time to invest! Buy some stocks, get some bonds and please consider funding my band’s new Kickstarter campaign. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) –          The strange buzzing sound in your ear might seem alarming, but don’t worry: the bees that have…

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Horoscopes

Ryan Cook —   Aries (March 21 – April 19) –  Your self-control will be tested this week during a class trip when an unfortunate accident at the Wisconsin Cloning Facility sends multiple copies of yourself loose around town.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) –  While walking down the street, you’ll suddenly change your…

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THE ‘SCOPES

By Ryan Cook —   Aries (March 21 – April 19) –This week, you will inadvertently hang out with that one weird guy from your Wednesday class. The stars are sorry, but there was nothing they could do.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) –It can feel like your classes go on forever, but that’s…

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The ‘Scopes

By Ryan Cook —   Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Don’t think anyone is fooled. Laughing loudly at your own jokes doesn’t make them any funnier.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – You will be known for many things, but you never thought that “Person Dies After Choking On Hotdog” would be one of…

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Horoscopes

By Ryan Cook —   Aries (March 21 – April 19) –Hoarding old newspapers is one thing, but this week you’ll go one step further by beginning a multi decade long crusade to collect every printing press in the country.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) –The stars believe that you should start a blog…

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Horroscopes

Contributed by Ryan Cook —   Aries (March 21 – April 19) You have always enjoyed eating snacks after class, but not after reading. Studies show it is the leading cause of death in your demographic.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Cartoons will become even more relatable for you this week after you fall…

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Horrid-scopes

Contributed by Ryan Cook — Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’re going to meet the love of your life this week, after all these years of waiting. That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it? Now give us the money and it’ll come true. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The stars are all…

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Horrorscopes

contributed by Ryan Cook — Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Some pictures you took of yourself during high school will surface online this week. While at the time it seemed like a good idea, you’ll wish you never bought that glitter. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Only time will tell if you will…

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Horror-scopes

Contributed by Ryan Cook — Aries (March 21 – April 19) –       You have always enjoyed eating snacks after class, but not after reading. Studies show it is the leading cause of death in your demographic. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) –       Cartoons will become even more relatable for you this week after you…

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Horoscopes

contributed by Ryan Cook   Aries (March 21 – April 19) –       You will wake up one day in a cold sweat, with vivid memories of a dream you had involving your cousin. As hard as you try, the images will never go away. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) –       The urge to change…

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