Terrified student changes major to avoid entering real world

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By Eric Koeppel —

When Henry ​Halvorson enrolled at University of Wisconsin–Stout in 2006, he had originally set out to acquire a bachelor’s degree in Hotel, Restaurant and Tourism Management. Now, almost nine years later, the super-super-super-super-super-senior has decided to change his major for the fifth time out of sheer horror of the fact that he would actually have to enter the real world after graduation.

“I was right on track to graduate in May of 2010,” explained Halvorson. “But then I started thinking about the common hassles of a post-college existence: exaggerating about your experiences and skill-set on resumes and applications, giving off the impression that you’re a friendly human being in interviews, pretending that you don’t mind wearing clothes that aren’t sweatpants and hoodies and then actually having to sit at a desk and work every single weekday. Staying in school just sounded so much easier.”

These are just a few of the many reasons that Halvorson decided to change his major to Studio Art during what would have been his last semester at Stout.

“I have absolutely no artistic ability whatsoever, but I still felt like the embarrassment of showcasing my complete lack of creative talent to classrooms full of total strangers sounded more enjoyable than actually having to wake up before 11 a.m. every day of the week,” Halvorson explained.

Before nearing graduation with what could have been his second bachelor’s degree, Halvorson decided to change his major once again. This time to the study of Dietetics.

“I didn’t even know what that word meant when I told my adviser I wanted to switch my major again,” Halvorson explained. “I still don’t know what it means, but, hey, at least I still have the ability to stay up until 3 a.m. playing Super Nintendo on week nights.”

After Halvorson’s venture into Dietetics, he chose to pursue another almost-bachelor’s degree; this time in Early Childhood Education.

“All my life I have been hearing about the benefits of getting a good education before entering the real world. I chose this major because I felt it was time for someone to tell the truth and to teach these kids the true value of staying in school, and never, ever, ever leaving… ever,” Halvorson said. “Although I didn’t actually complete that degree either, so I guess someone else will have to do that instead.”

During the fall semester of 2014, Halvorson switched his major yet again to Hotel, Restaurant and Tourism Management; however, he quickly realized that he had actually already pursued that major in the past, and if he were to pass his classes he would graduate. Needless to say, he intentionally failed all of his classes, and now back for his eighteenth semester, Halvorson decided to pursue yet another new major: Nanoscience.

“I don’t even care any more,” Halvorson said in a nervous tone of voice. “Just please don’t make me get a real job. I’m begging you.”

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