The Horrorscopes

Cam Parrucci-

Libra – Look it! Look it! It’s frickin’ bats! I love Halloween.

Scorpio – I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but there’s a skeleton inside of you right now.

Sagittarius – Your cousin Paul called, he wants to know if you wanted to go pumpkin-smashing tonight with him and his coworker from Subway.

Capricorn – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Aquarius – If The Nightmare Before Christmas is a half-Halloween, half-Christmas movie, does that make it a Thanksgiving movie?

Pisces – Dude, is that The Monster Mash I hear? Turn that boy up!!!!

Aries – Just wanted to remind you of that time you went to a Halloween party as “a guy in a hoodie.” You were kind of a tool.

Taurus – Your roommates want to carve pumpkins this year.  Everyone in the house has to do it, otherwise it’ll look so lame.

Gemini – Your witch costume is cultural appropriation. You don’t have any warts, green skin or a black cat.  You don’t know what witches have gone through.

Cancer – You should really dress up for Halloween this year. A little bit of Harley Quinn makeup will cover that existential dread right up!

Leo – Rumor is, there’s an entire warehouse in the Nevada desert filled with Waluigi costumes ripe for the taking. The heist of the century.

Virgo – Make up for your lack of meaningful relationships in life by playing Animal Crossing this Halloween. Your villagers are literally programmed to love and spend time with you!