Aries (March 21 – April 19)
- Take advantage of your natural clownish features to save money on a costume this Halloween. People may laugh at you, but your kind will get their revenge soon enough.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
- If you plan on dying in the next few weeks, make sure to have your bones properly incinerated to prevent any part of you rising from your grave.
Gemini (May 20 – June 20)
- Too embarrassed to wear a costume this year? Just keep reminding yourself that life is fleeting and nobody cares about you regardless of what you are wearing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
- Be sure to start bundling up, unless this is one of those years where it doesn’t snow until January. Don’t worry, though: you will have something to complain about either way.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
- On the night of a full moon, strange things may begin to happen to you. While this might seem disconcerting, just remember that puberty affects everyone differently.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
- Alien abductions have been becoming more and more frequent these days, so it wouldn’t hurt to chain yourself to the ground any time you are alone outside.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
- There’s no shame in staying home on Halloween night. Buying several bags of candy and eating them all in one sitting is something kids can only dream of doing one day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
- Anyone who finds a bag of severed body parts around campus should contact Ernest at the Dunn County Morgue right away. Please do not give the bag to the police.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
- Gruesome as it may seem, being eaten alive by the creature from Lake Menomin is a beloved tradition here at UW–Stout. Many even consider it an honor.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
- There is a very high chance that something unfortunate will happen to you this week, so be sure to smelt your silver candelabras into bullets just to be safe.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
- It is not a coincidence that you have been having so many strange dreams lately. In fact, you could be dreaming right now without even knowing it.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
- Some believe finding a skull in their cupboard is an ill omen, but in some cultures it is thought to be a sign of good fortune. Which cultures? That’s not important.