Libra: Next time, think before you share an Onion article on Facebook, your grandma still might not get the point of satirical articles.
Scorpio: Be wary of the people you surround yourself with, one of them plays as Waluigi in Mario Kart.
Sagittarius: Your cousin Paul called. He wanted to know if you could sub in for him at Bowling League this Saturday.
Capricorn: Sorry you didn’t get a chicken wing-themed horoscope last issue, we honestly just forgot you existed.
Aquarius: Stop acting like you don’t enjoy Lil Uzi Vert’s XO TOUR Llif3, everyone knows that song still slaps.
Pisces: Milk and root beer do NOT make a “budget root beer float.” You’re giving yourself food poisoning and your roommates have no milk left for their cereal.
Aries: Saying “I probably don’t like you” isn’t chic anymore, change your Twitter bio.
Taurus: Do you remember that song that goes “duh duh duh-dum duh duh duh-dum?” No? Well, it was worth a shot.
Gemini: Take solace in the fact that at any given moment in time, there are going to be people at Disney World who are much happier than you.
Cancer: Bottomless coffee at the Raw Deal doesn’t mean you need to drink eight cups of coffee. $2 for a cup of coffee or two isn’t that bad of a deal.
Leo: It’s high time you sat down and rewatched all of Yu-Gi-Oh!, try to get through at least 10 episodes a day.
Virgo: You really should try to publish that 25-page-long analysis of Adam Sandler’s movie “Jack and Jill” you wrote. It was riveting.