Aries – Much like with Kendrick Lamar at the Grammys this year, you will be betrayed by Bruno Mars in the near future.
Taurus – A trip to the bars isn’t complete without a good, long cry, right? Right?
Gemini – Your future holds many things, Gemini, most of which involve monster trucks, Dan Akroyd and a good old-fashioned bank heist.
Cancer – Don’t let the whole “6 more weeks of Winter” thing get you down, you were never going to go outside anyway.
Leo – Be more assertive this week! Say what you want to say! Steal the Declaration of Independence, whatever!
Virgo – You will be put in a life or death situation soon, and your only way out will be to become a Jake Paul-er. What are you gonna do?
Libra – Not many people have not read Harry Potter, and it’s great that you insist on letting everyone you’ve ever met know that you haven’t either.
Scorpio – If you ever start to think that your entire life is a simulation, it’s because it is. You need to find a way out and wake up. You are the chosen one.
Sagittarius – Cancel all your appointments, your cousin Paul’s fish died and he needs someone to say a eulogy while he plays “Amazing Grace” on his bass guitar.
Capricorn – The 1990s called, and they want their hairstyle back. Seriously, it disappeared off of the heads of everyone back in the 90s. How’d you do that?
Aquarius – Start drinking black coffee, you coward. If your grandparents can, so can you.
Pisces – Valentine’s Day is coming up! Don’t forget to get that crippling loneliness of yours a nice present to celebrate.