Aries – Look towards the future, Aries, some planets are doing some aligning or whatever and something’s going to happen to you!
Taurus – This is the FBI, Taurus. We know you have the nuclear codes, and we know exactly where you’re hiding out.
Gemini – Your money problems are going to disappear, Gemini! You’re going to be crushed by a safe next week, but it’ll be filled with solid gold!
Cancer – You’re going to get a Snapchat from your crush tonight! It’s going to read “streaks.”
Leo – Y’know, the Flat Earth Theory isn’t that far from the truth… projections, man!
Virgo – They’re going to get your order wrong the next time you go to Taco Bell. It’s nobody’s fault, the stars just kind of decided it.
Libra – Just reminding you of that thing you said to someone that was really embarrassing that you completely forgot about until you read this. You’re welcome!
Scorpio – Have you ever called into to a radio station and won a prize before? No? Well, you should’ve done it last week, the stars had you on that one. Too late, now.
Sagittarius – No plans this weekend, Sagittarius? That’s great! Your cousin Paul hosted a crazy Project X party and needs someone to clean up his house while he’s in jail.
Capricorn – People will start wearing the Zoey 101 key necklace again, you just have to start the trend!
Aquarius – There’s nothing wrong with a night-in and a little bit of binge-watching of Seinfeld, you should be doing that every night!
Pisces – Dude, come on, give me one french fry. You’re not going to eat every single one!