Aries – Don’t sweat the little things, like the seven spiders you swallow on average in a year. They’re little, so it doesn’t matter, right?
Taurus – I think it’s time you stop hiding your true self, embrace your inner Juggalo!
Gemini – Remember Gemini, these horoscopes are nothing but pure, unadulterated truth. Live by what you read here on a bi-weekly basis.
Cancer – You ever heard that song Bohemian Rhapsody? Crazy stuff, huh?
Leo – Do you ever look up into the sky and wonder if Will Smith is looking up at the sky too? Well, guess what, he always is.
Virgo – Admit it, Danny Tanner wasn’t just your father, he was America’s father.
Libra – It’s REAL SPOOKY HOURS. HIT that SCARY like button if you’re feeling ghostly AF my DUDE!
Scorpio – Remember, friends can’t help you with your hoarding problems if you cut them off! Then you’ll be able to keep all your stuff!
Sagittarius – Your cousin Paul somehow came into a crate full of fully grown, living saltwater crocodiles, and he really needs you to adopt at least three of them. At least you can finally post cute pet pics on Instagram!
Aquarius – Skip class next week and watch some Pawn Stars. Trust me, you’ll be happy you did.
Pisces – Come on, have another drink, go on that date, eat more snack food, nuclear annihilation will be here before you know it!