Goober (March 20 – April 20) – Are you sure you can’t find the mustard? Check under your seat right now.
Spaghetti (April 20 – May 21) – The stars have spoken, and you’re doomed to spend the rest of your life rewatching “Friends” until the apocalypse.
Bob from Stranger Things (May 21 – June 21) – Stop believing in horoscopes, they’re making the stars too strong. Hundreds of planets have already been consumed. Please, no more.
The Boss Baby – (June 21 – July 23) – You’re going to be rich in the future! And by rich, I mean the rich, chocolatey taste of Cocoa Pebbles, available at Wal-Mart.
Black Coffee – (July 23 – August 23) – Your mantra for this phase of the moon is important, always remember: “It’s Nerf, or nothing.”
Princess Peach – (August 23 – September 23) – Do you think your Nintendogs ever realized that you’re never coming back?
Ding Dong – (September 23 – Oct 23) – Don’t try to get too let down if the Jonas Brothers don’t get back together, we can always hope for the Naked Brothers Band too!
One Fuzzy Sock – (October 23 – November 22) – Stop worrying if you left the oven on! You definitely did, and at this point, there’s really not much you can do about it.
Your Cousin Paul – (November 22 – December 22) – Word on the street is that you play as Mario when you play Mario Kart. Frankly, that’s unforgivable.
Highlights Magazine – (December 23- January 20) – True love will find you, rolling its way through storms, cities, roads and homes to get to you. A lot like that one Chef Boyardee commercial.
Chill Vibes Twitter Account – (January 20 – February 18) – That New Years Resolution you had to eat less glue is going well, right?
$adboiz – (February 18 – March 20) – The stars and I have been talking, we think it’s time to make “fetch” happen, and it’s up to you to do it.