Aries – If the last month of class is starting to get to you, maybe consider starting to review fast food on YouTube. It can be quite a lucrative business!
Taurus – Sure, you can tape over the webcam on your laptop, but you can’t cover up the FBI van parked outside your apartment listening in on you at the same time.
Gemini – Your relationship with your family will be stronger than ever, then crushed when it’s revealed only one of you can become the family wizard.
Cancer – It’s March, and you’ve had Christmas lights up in your bedroom since you moved in. Just how festive are you?
Leo – Here’s a fun idea, replace every liquid in you use on a daily basis with Mountain Dew. Once you realize sleep is unnecessary, your days never end and your productivity will be through the roof!
Virgo – You were never good at sports, and that’s totally okay! The world’s last white rhino is gone, nothing matters anymore, anyway!
Libra – Thank God you got that internship at the career conference, turns out that your new employer will actually be running the New World Order within the next few years!
Scorpio – It’s not you, it’s me. Me, of course, referring to you. It’s all your fault.
Sagittarius – Hey, it’s your cousin Paul here, I managed to hack into Stoutonia and edit the horoscopes from the inside! They’ll never believe it!
Capricorn – If you take every letter from every horoscope written since 2018 in Stoutonia you’ll find a jumbled mess of letters. If you unscramble them, you’ll have wasted a bunch of time finding nothing.
Aquarius – We’d like to give a quick shout out to the famous rapper, Drake! We’ll return to your regularly scheduled horoscopes next issue.
Pisces – You’re dreams of finding the most incredibly intimate concert venue in the world will be crushed when you find out it’s just Logic in a Coachella porta-potty.