Aries – Unfortunately, the stars have determined what your last words will be. A heroic and brave: “Where’s my hug?”
Taurus – Remember, the customer is always right! Except in your case, the McRib still is not back, no matter how many times you keep asking.
Gemini – You’re looking for love in all the wrong places, Gemini. Your true love may be right in front of you! Just kidding, but you looked, didn’t you?
Cancer – Duct tape fixes everything! Except that one really awkward thing you said last year at that party, oof, there’s no recovering from that.
Leo – You should really pick up that banjo again. I mean, you’re already single.
Virgo – Don’t let your lack of groceries get you down, you were already planning on getting Taco Bell every night of the week this week.
Libra – Don’t believe in horoscopes? You better, you’re in one.
Scorpio – Your plan to move out once you graduate and get 7 or 8 roommates out in the country will turn out great, until you realize that you are now the impromptu leader of a death cult.
Sagittarius – Regrettably, we are here to inform you that your cousin Paul has passed away, peacefully, after eating 48 pancakes in a row at a Waffle House. He did leave you his water bed, though.
Capricorn – Honestly, at this point, you can probably get away with dropping out after how many Joe Rogan podcasts you’ve listened to.
Aquarius – Your biggest fears in life will be actualized, then quickly defeated by a 50-foot tall clown-rat. Hooray for new fears!
Pisces – You will soon realize the truth in the statement you made years back, after you said, “It really doesn’t get better than this.”