Cam “Don’t Look Me Directly in the Eyes” Parrucci –
Aries – You’ll find true inspiration in life once a year when you finally get motivated enough to write for the ‘zine some dude at a coffee shop convinced you to join.
Taurus – The stars are aligning for a new motivating figure in your life. The next person you meet named Gorb will be that person.
Gemini – You’re going to win a mansion in the near future! The only caveat is that it’s haunted. And you’ll have to legally change your name to Luigi.
Cancer – Don’t feel bad about not being completely moved in your dorm room yet, your mental baggage will never be fully unpacked.
Leo – Your inconsistent retainer wearing is only the beginning of the crippling commitment issues that will plague your entire life!
Virgo – You will ascend to the next plane of reality and perception when you decide to eat a tic tac found under the seat of your friend’s ‘93 Buick Regal.
Libra – Your understanding of true beauty will be skewed when you wake up transformed into a disgusting and slimy fish-human hybrid.
Scorpio – College and post-college plans aside, your dreams will fully be realized when you instead decide to join a traveling professional wrestling gig as “The Great Belly.”
Sagittarius – The stars advise that you start keeping a diary, not for any monumental reason or anything, just because it’s fun!
Capricorn – Stop lying to yourself and your friends. We all cried the first time we listened to Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas.
Aquarius – Your life will take a shocking and wild turn when your significant other leaves you for the drummer of a ska cover band.
Pisces – Your life will really be put into perspective when you break your elbow trying to skateboard because a girl wearing Vans smiled at you once.