The Scopes!

Cam “Anyway, Here’s Wonderwall” Parrucci – 

Aries – Expect major movements to be happening in your life soon, you’re going to get the world record for most KFC eaten in 15 minutes!

Taurus – Finding a $20 bill on the ground won’t be as cool as you first think when you realize it was covered in anthrax.

Gemini – Your love life is making big moves this cycle, Gemini. Someone will match with you and tinder- and immediately unmatch you after!

Cancer – Reminder that the best thing on first dates is to proudly show off your various rashes and scars, passion IS hot!

Leo – When World War III begins, all Leos will be drafted into an experimental mutant soldier initiative. No one will survive, sorry.

Virgo – Your religion and spirituality will be put to the test when God appears to you in a dream and looks a lot like Steve Buscemi.

Libra – With classes being in full swing, your last moments of free time until Christmas should be cherished. Spend them crying in the bathroom!

Scorpio – The stars blocked our number, so Scorpio horoscopes are delayed until further notice. Bummer.

Sagittarius – You’ll learn the true meaning of irony when a jungle gorilla nurses you back to health after you made all those Harambe memes years ago.

Capricorn – The bags under your eyes will be vital for storing loot in the bank robbery you’ll be involved with in the coming weeks.

Aquarius – A shocking revelation will hit you when realize people weren’t asking you on dates, and “going out” just means getting a beer at the bars.

Pisces – Getting yourself cloned to do all the things you didn’t want to will be great at first, until your friends decide they like your clone more than you.