The Scopes!

Cam “Doctors HATE Him” Parrucci

Aries – Your desires to make new friends will be promptly shattered when you find out no one wants to be friends with a professional Rush Limbaugh impersonator.

Taurus – Fate has determined that your lasting legacy will be the world record for the most retail store rewards accounts under one person’s name.

Gemini – Getting up in the morning will become more and more difficult until you confront your roommates for duct-taping you into your bed each night.

Cancer – You will find a new coping mechanism in Moscow Mules that will surely not lead to any problems in the future.

Leo – Spice things up at your workplace by penning some hard-hitting bathroom graffiti about your boss’s awful haircut.

Virgo –Rejoice! Anime isn’t weird for people to watch and enjoy anymore. Now people will focus on the other things about you that make them uncomfortable.

Libra – A crazy turn of events will force you to go back and re-complete the fourth grade. Even as a capable adult, you will not survive the bullying from your classmates.

Scorpio – Your “innocent prank” will come back to haunt you when you realize the porta-potty you locked your friend in has been gone for 3 weeks.

Sagittarius – Your final wishes will come to fruition after death when your ashes are pressed into a Styx “Greatest Hits” vinyl record.

Capricorn – Your poor planning skills will come to a head when you accidentally invite two different brides to your wedding!

Aquarius – A stark lack of observation skills will lead to you somehow become the new mayor of Menomonie. Congrats!

Pisces – Deleting Tinder to improve your mental health was a good idea at first, until you realize you’re still at square one, just now without the validation from complete strangers.