The Scopes!

Cam “Dirt is High in Fiber!” Parrucci

Aries – The stars are at their wit’s end here, if you want to wear that awful pink fur coat, go for it, I guess.

Taurus – Making that awful trade in Monopoly that cost you the game last night is only the first of many terrible trade deals that will plague you for the rest of your life.

Gemini – You will be forced to choose between passing your classes this semester and a year’s worth of Burt’s Bees. What’s one more semester, anyways?

Cancer – Hindsight is always 20/20, and you’ll soon come to regret hosting your own Hunger Games to find a date for the big Christmas party.

Leo – While being haunted by a series of ghosts seemed bad at first, you’ll find comfort in knowing it’s actually far, far worse.

Virgo – You’ll be forced to survive on a desert island with nothing but 37 cents, industrial strength shortening, and a copy of Season 3 of Seinfeld on DVD. You’ve got this!

Libra – There’s no more time to focus on wouldas, couldas, and shouldas. Invest your savings into experimental porcupine-based physical therapy!

Scorpio – Turns out that quoting nothing but the Dark Knight Rises airplane scene during a first dates was a bad move unless you’re going on a date with Christopher Nolan. You weren’t.

Sagittarius – It’s true that the pen is mightier than the sword, but your ballpoint won’t protect you from a group of medieval crusaders coming after you. Keep it in mind.

Capricorn – An unfortunate accident with an Amazon drone will lead to your transformation in Packing Man, a hero with cardboard-based superpowers.

Aquarius – Considering liking Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, and not being into yoga were the only things you put on your resume, we’re just as shocked you didn’t land that job.

Pisces – Ignoring all of your fiscal, educational, vocational, familial, personal, and interpersonal responsibilities, then yeah, getting a pet komodo dragon is a great decision!