Ryan Cook —
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
– Send all your your extra phones to the Menomonie Electronics Zone! For a limited time only, any cellular device can be exchanged for it’s full price in store credit! Offer expires on April 1st.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
– This Sunday night in the Memorial Student Center Great Hall is the no-holds-barred grudge match between Clay Stoneman and The Blue Devil Bastard. Don’t miss this match; it’s going to be absolutely brutal!
Gemini (May 20 – June 20)
– To love is to live, and to live is to leap. At least, that’s how you’ll try and justify your parkour obsession to your friends and family.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
– Fifty years from now, you will look back on this week as the most important and formative period of your life. There’s just something really special about flunking out of college.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
– People come and go, but the friends you make now will stay with you forever. That is, of course, assuming that you all signed the legally binding “BFF4Ever” contract.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
– Or what? What are you gonna do about it, Karl? I’m fed up with this relationship and I want out. The kids and I are going to stay with my mother for a while. Please don’t try to follow me.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
– You will come to terms with your shortcomings this week, but at this point it’s too late. No one is going to forget your involvement in “The Great Vomiting of 2015”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
– Will you rise up to the challenge? Can you lead your brothers-in-arms to victory? Do you have access to a valid credit card? Download ‘War of Stoutonia’ on the UW App Store today!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
– Fail once, shame on you. Fail twice, shame on me. Fail three times, and you will enter a fast paced lightning round where only the quickest contestants will survive.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
– All of next week is booked solid, so the Stars can’t really give you any long-term advice right now. Try calling ahead and making an appointment next time.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
– Your first crush will come back into your life soon, which is pretty strange because you’ve always been more of a Fanta person.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
– Finals week getting you down? Just read the first word of every Horoscope this week and you’ll find the strength to push onward!