Cam “My Jokes Are a Cry for Help” Parrucci –
Aries – “An apple a day keeps the doctor away!” does not actually involve catapults and your doctor’s home address, no matter how hard you want it to be the case.
Taurus – There’s probably some sort of underlying message between you’re 300 songs long sad music playlist and your 10-song long happy music one, but we’ll let you figure that one out.
Gemini – A freak electrocution accident will leave your taste buds with an unending thirst for Cotton Candy Faygo that may never be quenched.
Cancer – Your entire life will flash before your eyes in an instant, soon. You’re not dying, the powers that be just wanted to remind of you of that time you got pantsed during recess in front of your crush.
Leo – You’ll find an old wives’ tale come to fruition when your face does actually stay like that. On the bright side, you will become a successful yet off-putting character actor!
Virgo – Changes await you this week, Virgo! Funnily enough, the changes in your life are the exact same as the menu changes at the Blue Devil Market.
Libra – Studies have shown that getting 8 hours of sleep will do wonders for your health. So will getting rid of that cursed mask you keep in your room, but that won’t happen either, will it?
Scorpio – You’ll find an opportunity to travel back in time to give your past self some valuable advice. You’ll decide to see a T-Rex in person instead.
Sagittarius – Your habit of lying about werewolf attacks to get out of responsibilities will leave you feeling pretty stupid when the next full moon rises.
Capricorn – Don’t run out of hope when your job applications get rejected, use it as motivation to get really, really far in Candy Crush while you’re unemployed!
Aquarius – Meeting that special someone has been a lost concept on you. Don’t kick yourself too hard for it, one or two swift roundhouses should do the trick.
Pisces – Don’t waste your sudden bursts of energy, even if means vacuuming your entire house at 3 am. Your roommates will appreciate a dustless home.