The Scopes!

Elizabeth “Please Give Me Money” Vierkant

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): There’s a difference between you doing all the work for your group project and you forcing your other group members not to do any of the work. It’s called control issues.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): I don’t know who needs to tell you this, but saying “it’ll all work out” about your grades while not doing any of the work isn’t going to do anything.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool boyfriend Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple months ago is starting to get really jealous of your imaginary, unrealistically perfect boyfriend.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Spike from Florida that I met a couple weeks ago: PLEASE stop coming to me with all of your relationship problems. I’m sick of hearing about them.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): We all know that you don’t believe in horoscopes. We get it. We understand. But you’re sure back here again, aren’t you?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): For the love of God, please stop saying that you’ll come to movie night when you know full well that you’re NOT COMING TO MOVIE NIGHT.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): I know. I know. Movie night got cancelled AGAIN because no one but us wanted to go… Please stop crying… I’m so sorry… It’s all going to be okay.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The next time I tell you to be honest about what you think about my outfit, please don’t tell me that I look like the demon you see in your night terrors at the foot of your bed.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The fact that you drink LaCroix tells me everything I need to know about you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): It’s still Libra season! Please just ask your friends how THEY want to celebrate at this point. They’ll be able to make up your mind for you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Back off.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Please stop messaging your ex. There’s a reason that they broke up with you.