Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Just because your roommate put their fancy pumpkin-flavored drinks on YOUR side of the fridge doesn’t mean that you should drink them all.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): I don’t know who needs to tell you this, but off-brand cereal literally tastes exactly the same as the expensive stuff.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool boyfriend Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a few weeks ago is a little scared that you’re already talking about having kids. A fish would suffice.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Sometimes, the only reason you seem humble is because you’re standing next to Leo. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that 300 Instagram followers doesn’t mean you’re famous.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): I know it’s nearly impossible for you to take any advice ever, but please, PLEASE just do the dishes. You’re going to need to eat eventually.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Please, for the love of God, use your turn signal. You have to move your hand, like, an inch. It’s not that hard.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Feeling stressed about homework? Just go to sleep. You can’t be stressed if you’re asleep.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Showing up fifteen minutes late for work every day because you absolutely NEEDED that Caribou coffee is literally going to kill your career.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): If you’re wondering why you no longer have friends, you kind of need to talk to them in order to keep them.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Libra season is just about done. Please stop pouting. It’s not a real holiday, and this is coming from someone that writes horoscopes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Uh uh.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The more I roast you for being the mean sign, the more I start to hate you more than Scorpio. And that’s saying a lot.