Aries (March 21 – April 19)
- Question what your friends tell you this week, as it is very likely that they’re just afraid of you snapping and going absolutely crazy. They’re the ones who are crazy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
- It’s going to be a few years until you have everything completely figured out, but don’t worry: you’ll still manage to screw everything up long before then.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
- Studying for a test is a lot like investing in the stock market; you can do just fine without it, so long as you’re not concerned with being successful later in life.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
- Mark your calendars! It’s almost time for the holidays! Or just buy a pre-marked calendar from the Stoutonia website that already has every day crossed off.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
- Being able to speak to animals wouldn’t be as great as you’d think, as most of them are actually pretty rude.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
- A surprise is in store for you after a mysterious package arrives on your doorstep. While this sounds promising, it’s typically a good idea not to consume any quantity of anthrax.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
- Nice work today. Just pack everything up and be sure to clock out by five. I’m not going to be in my office tomorrow, so just call my cell if you need me. See you tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
- Be wary of reading expired horoscopes. Check the date on the wrapper to make sure that everything is still fresh when you consume the stars’ wisdom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
- Being overly dismissive of anything you don’t understand or enjoy is a great way to relieve stress. It’s also an easy way for others to know they should avoid you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
- Things will be looking up this week, so be sure to utilize this opportunity by using balloons and drones to advertise your business.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
- It’s never good to repress your feelings, so when the voices in your head tell you to do something, it’s likely best to just do what they say.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
- Your dream of being liked by others will come to fruition in the next few days after some well-timed jokes make people believe you are actually funny and relatable.