Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Why why WHY did you put those giant wheels on your truck? You’re already having a hard time making friends.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’re ~not like other girls~ because you are like other girls but no girls are like other girls thus making us all not like other girls. Ya feel?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool fiance Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple months ago told me your wedding is going to be Twilight themed. How do you already know this? Also why?
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your friends are lying to you. They’re not hanging out at 5:30. They’re hanging out at 6:30. They know you’ll be late anyways.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Watching a two-hour review of a movie you’ve never seen isn’t even a GOOD way of procrastinating. Do some dishes or something.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You know that one student in every class that never, ever stops talking and never, ever has anything relevant to add? No? Well, that’s pretty self-explanatory.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): I love you. Please come back to me.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Do you remember Trina from Victorious? That’s you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Do you remember Robbie from Victorious? That’s you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Despite what you may think, nominating me for a season of Queer Eye is the furthest thing from a compliment.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Ugh.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your friends wouldn’t be terrified that you hate them if you actually left your room and talked to them more than once a month.