Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Did you know that not believing in horoscopes is such a Capricorn move? Ugh.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Bored? Bored of being bored? Maybe do your freaking homework for once this semester.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool fiancé Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple months ago, told me that you cried while watching Shrek. I mean, I guess I get it.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Please—for the love of God—use your turn signal. It’s just one flick of the wrist. ONE.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Experiencing some anger issues? Try embroidery. Fun home craft + you get to stab something.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Scream “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers at the top of your lungs and then maybe you’ll calm down.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Please stop posting about baby Yoda. You’re going to make me hate him. I don’t want to hate baby Yoda.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You’re the relative we all fear talking to at Thanksgiving dinner.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Horrified of speaking to that one relative at Thanksgiving dinner? Just be yourself. Before you know it, everyone will be avoiding YOU.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Everyone take a shot every time a Libra gets their heart broken.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Be quiet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): It’s Sagittarius season! Celebrate by stealing your friends’ air conditioning unit for next Spring. It’s November. They won’t notice.