The ‘Scopes!

Elizabeth “:(” Vierkant

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You’re the college-friend version of a helicopter parent.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): It’s Aquarius season! Celebrate by telling everyone that your fourth-grade essay on The Magic Treehouse won a competition.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your really cool fiancé Spike from Florida that I introduced you to a couple months ago told me that you used all of his money to buy Valentine’s day chocolate for yourself. Why are you like this?

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your hubris is showing.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Stop sending your roommates Venmo requests every day for the 35 cents that they owe you. They. Know.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Stop cancelling plans at the last minute by telling everyone that you’re sick. We all know that you’re not sick.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Crying doesn’t count as a hobby.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Stop saying “ugh” every time you hear someone is anything but another Leo.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Stop posting about your dog’s half-birthday on Facebook.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Everybody likes Libras. You’re the only safe one.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Vile.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Don’t propose to your girlfriend when you can’t even commit to a breakfast cereal.