Aries (March 21 – April 19)
- Memories from your childhood will soon resurface, as you’ll be reunited with the mermaid who saved you from drowning as a child.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
- Be sure to to buy some bigger pants, as after making a hopeful wish at a carnival this week, you will wake up to find yourself in an adult body.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
- After your landlord is murdered, you’ll be forced to adopt his pet dog, as he’s the only one who can help you track down the murderer.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
- You and your significant other will find yourselves in a colossal amount of debt after being given the deed to a house in dire need of repairs.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
- After the death of your wife, your son will call a radio talk-show in the hopes of finding you a partner.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
- Though you aren’t the most intelligent, you have the most heart. Historical events will seem to occur around you, and important people will be part of your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
- Always try to keep your friends safe. This will be especially important to remember when your cargo ship is hijacked by Somali pirates.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
- While your theory about your neighbors might seem crazy, in the next few days you will find even more proof that they belong to a murderous cult.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
- Before your next birthday, you’ll successfully con millions of dollars worth of checks through a myriad of different occupations, including a pilot, a doctor, and a legal prosecutor.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
- When things go wrong, you can always count on your friends to get you out of a pickle. Keep that in mind while you’re piloting a heavily damaged spacecraft next week.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
- Better practice your pitching and dust off those bases, as you’ll soon find yourself coaching an all-female professional baseball team.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
- Jealousy will be the dominant emotion you’ll feel soon, as a newcomer will attempt to usurp your place as the most beloved toy.