Aries (March 21 – April 19)
- You might not be the most hip dude on the street, but that will hopefully change after a sturdy metal joint is surgically inserted into your thigh next week.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
- Some may consider your big mouth to be obnoxious, but just wait until they see how many ping pong balls you can fit inside it. That’ll show ‘em!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
- Perhaps it’s time to stop overthinking every little aspect of your life. Unless that seems too weird. Wait, does everyone secretly think you’re weird?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
- A good way to make friends is to tell people exactly what you think they want to hear whether you mean it or not. Coincidentally, that’s also how you run for public office.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
- With the election season over, life will finally return to normal. Just kidding, it’s never going away. Politics is only going to get worse, so you better get used to it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
- Believing in yourself will be crucial this week, especially when you will encounter a whimsical, mean-spirited elf who will try to convince everyone that you aren’t real.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
- Modern medicine can only do so much, so take things into your own hands by injecting whatever you think seems helpful directly into your fingers.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
- You are truly a shining star. In fact, you’re such a bright individual that many scientists will soon want to research your unnatural bioluminescence up close.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
- If you can read this, meet me at 8 p.m. next Wednesday behind the place we spoke about. Come alone and make sure you are not followed, or the deal is off.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
- This upcoming week will be an important milestone in your lifelong journey to better understand the meaning of lifelong journeys.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
- In an unforeseen turn of events, nothing bad will happen to you this week. Don’t worry, though; the stars definitely have something big planned for next month.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
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