The ‘Scopes

Libra

You’ll never succeed in life if you continuously click “still watching” on Netflix. Throw your computer out the window and start over.

 

Pisces

This week, you’ll discover an avocado allergy. Don’t fret though, now you can start saving for your first home.

 

Gemini

Be careful of your choice of coffee drinks this week, your closest friends are trying to poison you.

 

Cancer

You ordered a veggie sub at Erbert and Gerbert’s but they put meat on it. Throw the sandwich in the trash and burn down the building.

 

Leo

Call your mother, she misses you. Not enough to send you more money though.

 

Scorpio

Mercury is in retrograde and is going on a date with the moon. Maybe you should too.

 

Aquarius

You are going to lose your longest-running snap streak and therefore need to terminate that friendship entirely.

 

Capricorn

That 3rd trip to Chipotle this week may push your bank account into the negatives,but it won’t stop you from a 4th.

 

Sagittarius

Watch out for your clumsy hipster friend that carries half open cans of La-Croix wherever they go, you might get a splash to the face.

 

Taurus

Follow every single new account you see on twitter this week and watch your life change before your eyes.

 

Virgo

You posted a month-old meme and all of your friends deleted you off the internet. Use this tragedy and start anew.

 

Aries

It’s time to schedule interviews for who you’ll be getting a matching tattoo with. Be mindful of those that may not be as adventurous as you.