Cam Parrucci–

After what has been a no-doubt difficult spring semester for the UW-Stout student body, a recent study was conducted on campus with shockingly conclusive results: all 100% of the UW-Stout campus population of students, staff, and professors just want to go back to bed.

Junior and graphic design major Tim Nelson told Stoutonia, “Just imagine how good it would feel to go back to bed. Don’t think about all the project due dates you might have, just staying in bed all day would be absolutely perfect.”

Spring semester means graduation for UW-Stout seniors as well, who can see the finish line coming for them in just a few short weeks, and for senior Ariana Hernandez, that also means finally getting a good night’s sleep. “My graduation gift to myself will be a daily nap for the next 3 months this summer. I think after that my sleep schedule will finally be caught up after this semester.”

Not only did this study show that all 100% of the student body wishes they could just go back to sleep, the survey also revealed that 85% of the student body preferred their bed to most human interaction.

“I don’t think the desire to go back to bed is exclusive to students,” says professor Charles Klein, “I wish I didn’t have to grade well over 100 freshman Comp. 1 papers in the next few weeks, but here we are, and I just really want to go back to bed.”

While we unfortunately are unable to just go back to sleep and feel good about it, the student body can take solace in the fact that, yes, everyone in campus is in the same boat. The same, sleepy boat.

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