Ryan Cook-

“First off I’d just like to thank Mrs. Reiner for inviting me to come speak with you all today. It’s not every day I get to dress up all fancy like this and stand behind a podium. Speaking of, this is one nice piece of wood you got here. Is this mahogany? [Knocks side of podium multiple times] It looks like I’m being told that it’s oak. That’s fine, I was close. Wood is wood, am I right? [Sparse laughter]”


“But enough about me. [Shuffles papers] I’d like to begin by congratulating you all on reaching the first milestone of your academic careers. Next thing you know, you’ll be graduating from college with a degree in some kind of math or science. Or art, I guess that’s fine too. UWStout has programs for all three of those things, just in case you’re planning ahead. [Clears throat, shuffles papers]”


“Preschool is one of the most memorable times of your life, so don’t forget the lessons you’ve learned here over the past few months. I honestly can’t think of a time in the last several decades of my life when I didn’t need to count to ten or remember which colors green is made of. In fact, my secretary can tell you just how often I still count on my fingers. [Laughter] It’d, uh, surprise you.”
“Today is a day for giving thanks to those who helped us get here. Moms, Dads, I can’t say it gets any easier from here. Honestly, this is the easiest it’s gonna get. Once they learn how to swear and think for themselves, well, it’s all downhill from there. [Pauses to cough into hand] But this is a great moment that I’m glad to be a part of. Thank you!”

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