Ryan Cook 


MENOMONIE, WI — As times become tougher due to budget cuts, reports show that more and more professors of Philosophy and other creative fields are being forced to illegally sell their insight on the street corners of Menomonie in order to get by. Claiming that it’s the only logical recourse to make enough money to pay for food and rent, many have already set up small camps along the sidewalks.

Of the now destitute free-thinkers, Prof. Patrick Dentski told us how his life was changed by the unfortunate budget situation. “It’s become harder and harder to get by,” Dentski told our sources while sitting inside a cardboard box with the word ‘Schrodinger’ on it. “But what is life but an eternal struggle? That’ll be five dollars, please.”

It’s hard to say exactly how this process started, but many are pointing the finger at cheaply made Philosophy brought in from China and Mexico. A shocking majority of consumers are now seeking the more affordable option, and these studied professors are paying the price.

“I can barely afford to feed myself anymore,” one panicked man said, “Though isn’t it strange that we must consume to remain alive, only to consume even more? Please give me a raise, even just a few cents. I’m begging you.” Many feel as though the sudden influx of these open-minded men and women onto the streets of Menomonie is only making life difficult for small businesses. “All the people who walk by that mighta bought somethin’ get all freaked out by how these wacko teachers talk about life and death.”

Witnesses to the scene confirmed that many of the streetbound professors openly discuss the concepts, and then corner pedestrians until several crumpled dollar bills are stuffed into their empty coffee mugs. At press time, multiple dirty and clearly professors began to huddle into a small circle around a flaming oil barrel while passing around a small joint and contemplating what life would be like if education was actually valued.

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