Despite the finished construction on North Hall, the University of Wisconsin–Stout has one major unfinished project still looming over campus. Bowman Hall has moved past a facelift and is getting full body reconstruction. This is a project that, according to the construction’s supervisor, Edward Jones, could possibly take forever.

“We love seeing the look of absolute confusion on students’ faces when we continue telling them every year it’ll be done by the end of summer,” Jones said. “Really, we know that it’ll never be done. Not this summer. Not the next one. Never.” Jones has requested that Stoutonia does not share this information with the student body.

According to Jones, Bowman Hall had a curse placed on it in 1969. Any construction on the building will never, ever end. There is no stopping it. We cannot be saved.

Jones claims to be searching for a way to break this curse, but many students do not believe this is true. They claim they witnessed the pleasure in his face as Jones discussed the never-ending remodeling of Bowman Hall.

In the following months, the building will receive several more changes. This includes removing all flooring, adding a second ceiling, turning the fourth floor into a swamp, rewiring the elevator to only allow access to the first and second floors, removing all fire prevention items, adding a cafeteria that only serves lutefisk, placing a wasp nest in every drawer and replacing the walls with stacked cans of LaCroix.

Several students expressed differing opinions on UW–Stout’s current situation.

“It doesn’t really affect me,” said Hannah Montana. “I’ll be a student at this school for an eternity anyways. Bowman and I are in this together.”

“I would’ve loved to take my graduation photo in front of Bowman Hall, but, like, curses are tricky stuff. So I guess I get it,” said Phil DeFuture.

“I’ll be happy to grab a LaCroix whenever I’m thirsty,” said Login Mire. “Would that make the building collapse though? Eh… not really my problem.”

If you or anyone you know has any knowledge of curse-breaking, please contact the Stoutonia as soon as possible. 

Please. We beg of you. You are our only hope.

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