DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical)

Cece Jabs

After several months of legal struggles, Disney has finally acquired the huge TV studio, Fox, adding to its ever-growing conglomerate of TV and film companies. This new partnership brings in a new addition to the Disney princess family: Tina Belcher of the Fox TV show “Bob’s Burgers.”

For decades, women have been crying, “Where’s a Disney princess that’s just like me?” The prayers of these basic white women have been answered by the burger flipping, butt-shaking teenager Tina. One reader said, “burger princess is best princess.”

At this point, many people are tired of prim and proper princesses; they want someone they can relate to. Just your average 20-year-old college student said, “It’s nice to finally have a princess that caters to awkward white girls. I mean, I’m just so random and unique that it’s hard to find a princess that’s just like me. I can really relate to Tina.”

Critics of the buyout argue that Disney is overreaching their bounds by creating a monopoly on the film and TV market, and that Tina Belcher is “unfit to fill the renowned role of a Disney princess.” Supporters say, “What the heck? May as well make her a princess if Disney is buying Fox anyway,” and rush to attempt to buy Tina Belcher princess merchandise.

It is unclear whether Princess Tina merchandise has been made yet, but supporters and fans are lining up at Disney stores nonetheless. “I just have to get my hands on a doll of Tina. My daughter has loved her for years,” a middle-aged mom said, with her small baby dressed in a Tina outfit in tow.

Due to Disney’s hectic lineup for 2018, Tina isn’t expected to get her own Disney movie until 2026. News outlets and blogs are speculating that the plot will revolve around Tina and her love for Jimmy Pesto Jr., but Disney is hesitant to release any details to the public. It is unclear whether the movie will take place in Tina’s hometown and place of work, or if she will be moving to a new location to fill her role as princess.

The company has hinted that Tina will be moving into her own burger-themed castle, and that she will be taking over as ruler of her hometown. This would make her parents a Disney royal couple, but who really cares about the parents of the princess? Disney also has yet to release an official princess outfit for Tina, but one can imagine that it will be burger themed; a completely classy look for a classy girl. More information on this story will be released as Disney releases more to the public.


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