Ryan Cook-
Graceful herd of shirtless joggers seen migrating south for the winter
With the warm days of summer and crisp days of fall nearly behind us, it’s time once again to admire the sheer beauty of nature in action. Earlier this week, herds of shirtless joggers were seen making their way through downtown Menomonie as they migrate south ahead of the cold, incoming winter.
It’s a common sight this time of year to see dozens of sculpted, topless bodies roaming through the streets. Sightings of fully clothed joggers are rare; few have been seen and even fewer have been captured on camera.
“Most are born with only shorts and shoes, but mutations in their DNA occasionally cause joggers to hatch with a shirt as well,” explained local jogger expert Franklin Willis. “It’s entirely superfluous and can even cause them to die of sweat poisoning. Why these mutations exist is a complete mystery.” In fact, joggers with shirts are at a higher risk of not reproducing, as their muscular torsos are used to attract mates. As such, not being able to show off their ripped bods usually means that they will be overlooked in favor of their less-clothed peers.
While herds of joggers may be a yearly spectacle, there has been a significant amount of research done on where exactly this breed of athlete came from. Experts estimate that the ancestors of these joggers originated around Eau Claire, and that climate change and increased desire for a smaller college experience forced them closer to Menomonie.
“We’ve been tracking several joggers for a year or two now, and it’s very fascinating,” said UW–Madison zoologist Becky Trunkis. “Most are from Wisconsin, but others have come from as far away as Minnesota or Illinois. We’re still not sure why, but there’s a lot of speculation.” Researchers interested in studying migration patterns of these wild beasts come from far and wide to examine their tracks, droppings and class schedules.