By Ryan Cook —


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This week, you will inadvertently hang out with that one weird guy from your Wednesday class. The stars are sorry, but there was nothing they could do.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It can feel like your classes go on forever, but that’s just the universe’s way of telling you to drop out of college and finally start that acting career you’ve been thinking of.


Gemini (May 20 – June 20)

You will completely forget a friend’s birthday soon, but they never really saw you as a friend anyway so everything will be fine.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Be careful when walking home in the dark this week, as there’s a very high chance that a strange man will jump out at you from the dark and ask you to read their screenplay.


Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While schoolwork can certainly be frustrating, if the stars have to hear you whine about having to write a 3-page paper one more time, they’re going to go insane.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll be tempted to break the law soon, so in order to keep yourself out of trouble you should lock yourself in a broom closet and give a police officer the key.


Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Looking for a way to spread information on ? Call (555) – 134 – 2269 to rent this Horoscope space and advertise your business in the next issue!


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your life could’ve been changed forever this week, but all the warning emails the stars sent you just went straight to your email’s junk folder.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Jeremy, if you’re reading this then I am already gone and across the border. We had something special, but everything has to end eventually. Please try and forgive me.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your decision to take selfies at every social outing will backfire this week after hanging out with a friend who turns out to be a serial killer.


Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

No matter what anyone else says, you are always beautiful to someone. Unfortunately, several of those “someones” are actually really creepy.


Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

The groaning you’ll hear later tonight will be from an unexpected source. As it turns out, the space between floors in your building are a lot bigger than you thought.


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