By Ryan Cook —
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
–Hoarding old newspapers is one thing, but this week you’ll go one step further by beginning a multi decade long crusade to collect every printing press in the country.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
–The stars believe that you should start a blog for your writing. They think that it’ll be a really good way to get your name out there. Who knows, maybe you’ll finally get published.
Gemini (May 20 – June 20)
–Illusions, mirages, hallucinations caused by a concussion, call them what you will. You will soon come to the conclusion that perhaps you were affected by that car accident more than you initially thought.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
–This Cancer horoscope is intended for Harrison Ford only. Please refrain from reading any further if you aren’t the acclaimed actor. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
–Congratulations! You are the trillionth person to read your horoscope! Click here to find out what your prize is and how you can claim it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
–They say love is blind, but losing one sense only makes the others stronger. Note: the stars aren’t endorsing its readers to lose their eyesight, only to make them aware of the benefits.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
–The council will strike down your proposal to attack your neighboring kingdom, despite your argument that their recent political instability makes this the perfect opportunity.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
–Want even more quality life advice? Please email the stars at email@example.com to subscribe to their mailing list for even more bi-weekly Horoscope content.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
–Trying your hardest to succeed might seem like a good idea right now, but all signs are pointing towards a switch to a failure-based economy within the next decade.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
–Be wary of entering any banks this week, as you will likely be crushed to death. Who would have thought that when economists warned of another collapse that they meant it literally?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
–While not everyone in your life knows how you spend your free time, this week they will judge you enough to make you think that they know everything.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
–Like so many before you, everything will come falling down seemingly out of nowhere. Perhaps you aren’t as skilled of a Jenga player as you had come to believe.