contributed by Ryan Cook —

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Some pictures you took of yourself during high school will surface online this week. While at the time it seemed like a good idea, you’ll wish you never bought that glitter.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

 Only time will tell if you will get that job, and going into a clock store and asking each individual clock won’t yield any answers.

Gemini (May 20 – June 20)

 A small, strange-looking rock will prove useful in the next few days when you’re invited to speak at that big rock convention and need something to talk about.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

 Whoa, hold on there. No need to speed through these so quickly! Let’s be honest, you’re going to finish that paper tonight. It’s not due for a few more days anyway.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

 Your friends will throw you a party soon. It will completely surprise you, mostly because they all forgot that your birthday was a few months ago.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

 It’s possible that your luck may increase, but our equipment has been on the fritz recently so take that with a grain of salt. We just aren’t sure.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

 Please wake up. If you can understand me, we miss you and want you to come back to us. We love you and hope that this can get through to you somehow.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

 Bet you thought you wouldn’t be held accountable for your actions, huh? Nobody messes with the custodial staff and gets away with it, not this week.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

 Laughter is the best medicine, except when you’re trying to help a grieving friend get over the untimely death of a family pet.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

 Most people throw away their garbage. You, on the other hand, defend it and say “it’s a good show, just give it a chance”.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

 Andrew Garfield will come to you for a shoulder to cry on, though it will be exceptionally difficult to take him seriously while he’s dressed in a full Spiderman costume.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

 Everyone hides a dark secret deep inside them. You’ll soon find out what that secret is, and will be shocked to find out that everyone else has a skeleton inside them as well.

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