DISCLAIMER: This article is Satire (not real/meant to be comical)

Olivia Viktora-


The criminal justice and rehabilitation program at the University of Wisconsin-Stout has an array of professors who provide a mysterious learning experience for their students. When students were asked to nominate a professor for this one-of-a-kind spotlight, they suspiciously nominated one of the most recent members to join the staff, Professor Plum.

Though relatively new to the faculty, Plum has made a killer impact on campus. Known for his involvement in solving the murder of Mr. Boddy in 1950, the professor has since gone on to offer his expertise in psychiatry in many other crimes.

“Being a professor has its perks, I suppose, but these students haven’t got a clue what it takes to make it in this career. They have no idea what it’s like to deal with the kind of pressure one only faces as they try seek out the truth to prove their own innocence,” Plum said in his study.

“Too many people treat this field like a game. I hope to teach my students the process of deduction and notetaking, which are essential skills when you are trying to win a case,” Plum said. Since his employment in September 2017, 24 students have been accused of murder thanks to the work of this man and his goal for all his classrooms to be held in a mansion.

So what is it that makes this famed suspect so dangerous? Professor Plum has long been revered as an educator, but what about the man behind the glasses and a tie? Stoutonia sat down with the professor to ask him about some of his fondest memories before his time at UW-Stout. Plum was hesitant to answer.

“I do have faint memories of using a secret passage to get to the kitchen from the study,” he admitted, “For some reason, the kitchen always seemed difficult to get to and the passages offered a clear advantage. Though I do recall the passages being rather infested with spiders.”

The criminal justice and rehabilitation program, as Professor Plum often states, “is as guilty as Mrs. Peacock was standing over the body with the candlestick in her hand.”

He was, undoubtedly, referring to the shifty nature of the students found in the program here at UWStout. Professor Plum recommends that any student hoping to “get away with it,” should not spend much time in the conservatory.

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