Ryan Cook-

Following a five-year-long observational study conducted across several Wisconsin universities, researchers have confirmed that around 34 percent of professors start their academic careers by wandering into classrooms off the street.

This new information could be a real game-changer, as it has been believed for years that most professors begin teaching after being born in a classroom and simply maturing over several decades into their position. Anthropologists are tirelessly poring over the study’s data and statistics, and are optimistic about the study’s possible ramifications.

“It’s important to remember that not every one of these professor’s careers is planned. We have been led to believe that many are purely coincidental and thus pose no real harm to students in terms of a heavy workload,” says Dr. Lorne Tingle, head Anthropologist behind this research. Indeed, the primary concern behind unplanned academic careers is the amount of homework given to students. Another aspect of the study was to examine the effects of such work on the individuals enrolled in the classes, and the results may be shocking. An overwhelming majority of respondents to a survey given for this study said that they are required to do at least 3 more hours of work by professors who came from outside classroom settings. This usually results in a critical shortage of good vibes and dope parties, causing campus complaint levels to rise exponentially.

It is recommended that students report to authorities immediately about professors who they believe to have just wandered into the classroom off the street. Professionals have listed several signs to be especially on the lookout for, such as requiring students to post on Learn@UWStout discussion boards, requiring students to get textbooks but not assigning any readings from them and having no idea what they’re doing in general.

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